I'm starting this blog after getting out of a crummy year-and-a-half relationship with a guy who really didn't care that much about me. At the time, however, I thought he was an amazing, sweet guy and that our relationship was meant to be forever - because he knew all the right things to say and I was desperate (yeah, fail on my part). And I am determined to never let it happen to me again. I've realized that no guy ever pulls the wool over your eyes. A woman goes into a relationship with HER eyes closed. Looking back to who I was at the start of the relationship, I was insecure, I had no idea who I was, I had my own hang-ups. I now know it was because of that that I ended up with a guy who wasn't in any better of a place than me. I thought it was going to be one of those scenarios you see in the movies, where one person in the couple is more mature and knows all of life's secrets and guides the other person into a better place -- basically, I thought he was gonna fix all my all problems. In the words of Angus and Julia Stone, "I blame you, Hollywood, for showing me things you never should." Like attracts like; immaturity attracts immaturity. That's the cold, hard, unromantic, un-movie-worthy reality. A great, mature guy doesn't want to be with a desperate, needy, insecure woman. Ya gotta do this for yourself, ladies, you can't depend on a man to figure out YOUR life for you.
So why am I blogging? Because as much as I know that getting out of the relationship is the right thing to do, as much as I know that it is vital I discover who I am and find security BEFORE I get into a relationship, it still hurts like heck to loose him. We were friends for four years before we dated. He was fun to be around. He wasn't a horrible person. He was an immature person. There were some good things about him and some good things in the relationship. The trouble was, over the time we were dating, I started to glean a smidgen of insight into myself (something that I'm now working hard to develop fully) but HE never did. He's still just as clueless about himself and life as when we started out. Honestly, it makes me feel kind of sorry to see someone be that much of an idiot... All in all, the bad outweighs the good. And so, in order to keep myself from going crazy and to keep myself on track (*cough* this is actually the third time I've broken up with him...) I need an outlet for the multitude of thoughts constantly swirling around in my brain. I have FINALLY realized that he wasn't serious about me, he was just using me to distract himself from the inner turmoil he's so clueless about it. I have realized I do NOT deserve to be in a relationship that was holding me back. I do NOT deserve to be strung along with promises about a future together with NO RING. I do NOT deserve to be on the bottom of my boyfriend's list of priorities. I do NOT deserve to be a crutch to help a guy get over his porn addiction (another way he hides from his feelings). I do NOT deserve to be ignored. I do NOT deserve to -- well, you get the picture. And I need to write to remind myself of that -- it's easy to fall back into the old way of thinking and start feeling like I want to go back, there's no other guy I could like so much or feel that close to or blah, blah, blah. This time I am DETERMINED to move forward.
Also, if writing about my discoveries can help someone else gain some insight to their own situation, cool, added bonus. I wish every girl/woman could realize this stuff BEFORE she gets into the wrong relationship instead of when she's picking up the pieces after one (or multiples). If just one person reads this and learns something, and it saves a heart from being broken, I'd be really glad.
