Now that I'm finally out of the relationship, the new, stronger part of me wonders why I stayed in it so long, or even why I got into it in the first place. The old, wimpy part of me knows exactly why. :P I think it's important for me to recognize fully why I put up with less than I deserved so I can avoid falling into the same trap of erroneous thinking again.
If you're in a relationship that's not all it could be but you don't feel like you can leave, maybe you can relate to some of this and it will help you to find a solution and be able to let go. I'm not trying to make an all-inclusive, cover-everyone list here, I'm only addressing the things I myself have experienced. What you're experiencing may be different. Even if you can't relate to any of this, maybe it will help you start thinking about YOUR reasons for not being able to leave the relationship so that you can break free.
So now, without further ado, here are the reasons why I couldn't break up with him and how I overcame them.
1. I thought I needed someone to share things with.
I felt like if I didn't have him to talk to and share things with, it wasn't worth doing them. I felt like I couldn't even read a book or watch a movie without being about to tell him about it.
How I overcame it.
I realized I need to live FOR MYSELF. That sounds selfish; I don't mean it like that. Of course, as a mature person, one needs to think of the needs of others and practice kindness. But when it comes to your interests, your tastes, your goals, your beliefs, etc, you need to be that way FOR YOURSELF. You CAN find enjoyment and satisfaction in something simply because YOU enjoy it, NOT because you share it with someone else. Being able to share with others is a wonderful experience, of course, but NOT necessary for enjoyment. I have to admit, I'm still struggling this. It's hard for me to not have someone to share the things I feel deeply about and I'm tempted to put off doing a lot of things until I have someone to share them with. I'm working towards being able to fully enjoy life FOR MYSELF. Realizing that I did not HAVE to have a guy to make things enjoyable or worth doing, though, was what gave me the courage in this area. Just be aware that you don't switch immediately from the former to the latter. It's a process that takes time. It's scary. But if I can do it, so can you!
2. I'm a "glass is half full" kind of person.
I'm usually not one to have a negative, depressed attitude. I look for the good in life. And there's nothing wrong with that, to a point. But in relationships it can be a dangerous mindset if left unchecked. It caused me to not see who he WAS but who he COULD BE -- provided he himself were to actually see the need to and start doing the work to live to his full potential. It caused me to focus in on his good aspects only: his sense of humor, our shared interests, his cuteness, his opposition to debt, etc. I thought "it could be worse" rather than "it could be better."
How I overcame it.
I finally accepted that while it was true that it could be worse (I could have been with a drug addict with no job who put me down, for example), it could actually be a whole lot better. I could actually be with someone who consistently answered me when I called, who gave up time with friends to spend time with me, who actually called when I expected it, who pursued me, who was wise and insightful, who knew where he wanted to be in life and was actively working towards his goals, whose actions lined up with his words, who was actively improving his mind, who cared about his job, etc. Yes it's true, people can improve themselves; the optimist in me wants to hold on to that. But the reality is that a person has to first realize they have a problem before they can change. And right now, he has no idea what his problems are (although to me, it's fairly obvious, but that's a whole 'nother story :P) and he has no desire to try to figure it out and change. I had to accept that it was not worth it or realistic to waste my time and my life on a hope for him to start wanting to change.
3. I gave so much of myself to him.
I gave so much of my thoughts, my feelings, my time, and my body to him, all of which I wanted to save for the special guy who I would spend the rest of my life with. I was afraid to leave, because I felt like I had nothing special left to give to another man.
How I overcame it.
I realized that I'm not yet all I will be. I still have a lot of developing to do as a person. I'm going to go on from this relationship and get stronger, find myself, and add so much to my essence as a person. The person I develop into will have so many new things that my ex never experienced. Those parts of myself will be special to the guy I marry and spend the rest of my life with. As for sharing my body with my ex, thankfully we never had full penetration sex (sorry if that's TMI). We fooled around too much and saw and touched way too much of each other, but at least I never went "all the way" with him and have that experience saved for my husband. Note: Personally, I believe in saving sex for marriage. I'm not trying to push that view on anyone who reads this blog, but it is my view, and this is a blog about my experiences, so I will be dealing with sex as something for marriage only. I respect that you have to decide for yourself what you believe about sex and abstinence, and will not be offended if you think differently than me. Hopefully that goes vice versa and you can still get something from the rest of my blog even if we believe differently about sex. Even if we had gone "all the way" that would still not have been a good enough reason to stay in a mediocre relationship. You can't ever get back lost virginity, but you can go on to heal in time and eventually have another sexual relationship with the right person.
4. I had mistaken ideas about how you find the one you will marry.
I thought you "just knew" when you find the one you will marry, or as a friend put it, "when you find that special person, you soul recognizes them." When we first started to date, I immediately thought "This is the one! I somehow just KNOW!" and I ran with that, completely. I was convinced that because I had that feeling of "just knowing" at the start of the relationship, then he truly was the one, thus I could never find anyone better. It made me desperate to not see red flags and to rationalize any negative behaviors.
How I overcame it.
I learned that love at first sight or "just knowing" is a myth. A thing of Hollywood, pop songs, and romance novels. It is simply not reality. You know when you've found the guy who is going to hold your heart forever AFTER you have taken the time to SEE who he really is and have found him to be, in ACTUAL COLD, HARD FACT, what you need and want in a man. Any type of feeling you get initially is not love or some sort of mystical knowledge of that person's soul. It's just infatuation, interest, excitement, or lust. Once I learned that, I was able to let go. I knew that he was not "the one" because of who I had seen him, IN REALITY, to be. My initial reaction to him did NOT indicate his being "the one".
5. I was using him to try and fix my problems.
I have hang ups of my own. I have some issues with my parents. My parents were never horrible parents, but they weren't the best at showing affection, especially my dad. Also, I felt abandoned by my dad as young child when his job started taking over his life. I used my ex to try to fill the void left by my dad and thought being with him was healing me.
How I overcame it.
I realized he was NOT healing me, he was DISTRACTING me from my problems, and I was just hurting myself (and probably him as well) in the process, and making my already complex life ever more complicated. The only way to overcome your issues is to deal with them outside of a relationship and get counseling if you need it (which is something I plan on doing).
6. I was afraid to leave.
Breaking up sucks. No matter what, it is a very painful time. It's filled with grief and regrets. And that's scary. You get into a relationship together, you get out of it alone. It's so terribly confusing and you're left ALONE to sort through something that happening WITH someone.
How I overcame it.
Really, I just had to suck it up and do it. I had to keep in mind everything else I've written about in this post and more. I had to keep in mind it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do. And just do it. It has been hard, but not impossible. And I know in the end, what I gain will be worth the pain.
Read Part 2.
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