Why Couldn't I Break Up With Him? Part 2

Here are some additional reasons why I, personally, was afraid to break up with him. If you haven' t read part 1, you can do so here.

7. I was afraid that if I couldn't trust him, I couldn't trust anyone.
When I heard him tell an outright LIE to his grandmother (someone he was supposedly very close to) because he was too much of a wimp to deal with the potential conflict the truth might entail, I was initially horrified. And rightly so. If we he would lie to her, how did I know he wouldn't lie to me? So I broke up with him -- for the first time. I proceeded to go back to him twice after that. Why? Because I couldn't fully accept that he wasn't trustworthy. There were plenty of other things that indicated this, and there was even a time when I knew he lied to me about something but I kept trusting him. Why? Because I had trusted him in the beginning and I was afraid that if I admitted the truth to myself that he was dishonest, I could never trust another man. I mistakenly thought that he had always been trustworthy and then suddenly changed. If he could appear trustworthy and fool me, than anyone could fool me. How could I ever know when someone was trustworthy or not? .
How I overcame it.
I realized he did not fool me; I fooled MYSELF. He did not pull the wool over my eyes, I kept my eyes closed. I thought what was happening was that I had put my faith in someone who seemed trustworthy and then had my faith shattered out of the blue, but that wasn't reality. There were plenty of red flags from day one that indicated he was untrustworthy, lazy, wimpy, unreliable, and I chose not to see them. The He's The One Syndrome I talked about in #4 contributed to me not seeing the warning signs. I realized that now that I know the signs to watch out for and that you ALWAYS have to be on the lookout, not trusting yourself to "just know," I can keep myself safe in future relationships. I'll know when it's not a good idea to get involved with someone. The same thing will NOT happen again because I am SMARTER. It is not something that I have no control over. I have total control over how I perceive a person. It is your ability to perceive the red flags that keep you from getting involved with a bad guy. If you put the blame on him, "he fooled me," you have no control over the situation and you will most likely end up in the same situation again and again. If you take responsibility for your actions, however, you can indeed avoid getting hurt.


8. I wasn't perfect; I made a lot of mistakes and had a lot of hang ups, too.
I thought since I wasn't perfect and didn't always have pure motives that I had no room to blame him.I thought I was just the same as him.
How I overcame it.
There is a world of difference between someone who has admitted their problems and is actively working to make improvements, and someone who has no personal insight and no desire to gain any. I could see some of the things I was doing wrong (though not all at the time) and when I did realize something was wrong, I did my best to fix it. He, however, had no desire whatsoever to deal with himself. He was perfectly content to keep going along without having to face any of his dark places, fears, and hang ups. So actually, I was NOT "no better" than him, I was more mature. There's no reason EVER that is worth staying with someone who is that clueless and unable to develop as a person. Additionally, if you are trying to develop as a person, they will only hold you back. Being in a relationship is not a good idea period when you have your own faults you're trying to work on, anyway. It's far more productive to work on these things alone without the added demands and responsibilities of a relationship, even if it is a healthy one. So me staying with him because I had my own hang ups was not a valid reason because a.) I could see my own flaws, thus I really wasn't the same as him, and b.) I would be much more able to improve my flaws outside of a relationship.

9. I thought I could be a good influence on him and change him.
Pretty self explanatory. I thought he would see good things in me and be inspired to change.
How I overcame it.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can't change a person who refuses to see they need to change. End of story.


10. I was emotionally dependent.
Due to some things that have happened in the past, I have emotional dependency, which makes it hard for me to keep the proper boundaries in a relationship. I made him my world and my source of safety and security and felt like some sort of horrible doom would befall me if I didn't have him to "keep me safe" or validate me.
How I overcame it.
I realized I had it, that it is not a healthy attitude or reality. I'm taking steps to fix it and will soon be starting counseling to work through my issues. I had to let go of him even though I felt something terrible would happen without him. I had to keep reminding myself that nothing bad would actually happen, other than I would grieve for a while. I had to realize that I CAN do it on my own.

11. I thought the most important thing in a relationship was shared interests.
I've always wanted to be with a guy who was my best friend, who liked all the same things I liked and enjoyed doing the same things I enjoyed. I made the the be-all-end-all in my relationship. Since we had so much in common in our interests, I thought that must mean something and be worth fighting for.
How I overcame it.
I realized that I while my ex was interested in the same things I was, that was all he was interested in. He wasn't interested in me or in learning and improving himself. I realized it takes more than just sharing the same hobbies and tastes, so much more, to make a relationship worth it.

12. I thought I was the cause of some of his negative behaviors.
Like I said, I have some of my own hang ups and issues. I could be needy and clingy sometimes. And so, I thought some of his negative behavior was being caused by me -- it was directly my fault. I thought once I fixed my faults, his negative behavior would stop.
How I overcame it.
I'm sure he did noticed when I was being needy or clingy or unfair, and didn't approve of it, which is only right. But I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for how he responds to a negative situation. It is NOT my fault if he couldn't speak up about things that were bothering him or were inappropriate. Even if I had managed to change while still in the relationship, it wouldn't change the fact that he does not know how to deal properly with things that bother him and/or with situations that could result in conflict. He would deal with all issues in life and in the relationship in the same jerky way he dealt with my negative aspects.

I hope this was useful to you, and I hope that you, too, can find the courage to get out of the wrong relationship. I know it's hard, oh gosh, trust me, I know. But again, it is possible. It can be done. It's not easy, it's not fast, but it is the right thing when the relationship is less than you deserve.