Here are some additional reasons why I, personally, was afraid to break up with him. If you haven' t read part 1, you can do so here.
7. I was afraid that if I couldn't trust him, I couldn't trust anyone.
When I heard him tell an outright LIE to his grandmother (someone he was supposedly very close to) because he was too much of a wimp to deal with the potential conflict the truth might entail, I was initially horrified. And rightly so. If we he would lie to her, how did I know he wouldn't lie to me? So I broke up with him -- for the first time. I proceeded to go back to him twice after that. Why? Because I couldn't fully accept that he wasn't trustworthy. There were plenty of other things that indicated this, and there was even a time when I knew he lied to me about something but I kept trusting him. Why? Because I had trusted him in the beginning and I was afraid that if I admitted the truth to myself that he was dishonest, I could never trust another man. I mistakenly thought that he had always been trustworthy and then suddenly changed. If he could appear trustworthy and fool me, than anyone could fool me. How could I ever know when someone was trustworthy or not? .
How I overcame it.
I realized he did not fool me; I fooled MYSELF. He did not pull the wool over my eyes, I kept my eyes closed. I thought what was happening was that I had put my faith in someone who seemed trustworthy and then had my faith shattered out of the blue, but that wasn't reality. There were plenty of red flags from day one that indicated he was untrustworthy, lazy, wimpy, unreliable, and I chose not to see them. The He's The One Syndrome I talked about in #4 contributed to me not seeing the warning signs. I realized that now that I know the signs to watch out for and that you ALWAYS have to be on the lookout, not trusting yourself to "just know," I can keep myself safe in future relationships. I'll know when it's not a good idea to get involved with someone. The same thing will NOT happen again because I am SMARTER. It is not something that I have no control over. I have total control over how I perceive a person. It is your ability to perceive the red flags that keep you from getting involved with a bad guy. If you put the blame on him, "he fooled me," you have no control over the situation and you will most likely end up in the same situation again and again. If you take responsibility for your actions, however, you can indeed avoid getting hurt.
8. I wasn't perfect; I made a lot of mistakes and had a lot of hang ups, too.
I thought since I wasn't perfect and didn't always have pure motives that I had no room to blame him.I thought I was just the same as him.
How I overcame it.
There is a world of difference between someone who has admitted their problems and is actively working to make improvements, and someone who has no personal insight and no desire to gain any. I could see some of the things I was doing wrong (though not all at the time) and when I did realize something was wrong, I did my best to fix it. He, however, had no desire whatsoever to deal with himself. He was perfectly content to keep going along without having to face any of his dark places, fears, and hang ups. So actually, I was NOT "no better" than him, I was more mature. There's no reason EVER that is worth staying with someone who is that clueless and unable to develop as a person. Additionally, if you are trying to develop as a person, they will only hold you back. Being in a relationship is not a good idea period when you have your own faults you're trying to work on, anyway. It's far more productive to work on these things alone without the added demands and responsibilities of a relationship, even if it is a healthy one. So me staying with him because I had my own hang ups was not a valid reason because a.) I could see my own flaws, thus I really wasn't the same as him, and b.) I would be much more able to improve my flaws outside of a relationship.
9. I thought I could be a good influence on him and change him.
Pretty self explanatory. I thought he would see good things in me and be inspired to change.
How I overcame it.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can't change a person who refuses to see they need to change. End of story.
10. I was emotionally dependent.
Due to some things that have happened in the past, I have emotional dependency, which makes it hard for me to keep the proper boundaries in a relationship. I made him my world and my source of safety and security and felt like some sort of horrible doom would befall me if I didn't have him to "keep me safe" or validate me.
How I overcame it.
I realized I had it, that it is not a healthy attitude or reality. I'm taking steps to fix it and will soon be starting counseling to work through my issues. I had to let go of him even though I felt something terrible would happen without him. I had to keep reminding myself that nothing bad would actually happen, other than I would grieve for a while. I had to realize that I CAN do it on my own.
11. I thought the most important thing in a relationship was shared interests.
I've always wanted to be with a guy who was my best friend, who liked all the same things I liked and enjoyed doing the same things I enjoyed. I made the the be-all-end-all in my relationship. Since we had so much in common in our interests, I thought that must mean something and be worth fighting for.
How I overcame it.
I realized that I while my ex was interested in the same things I was, that was all he was interested in. He wasn't interested in me or in learning and improving himself. I realized it takes more than just sharing the same hobbies and tastes, so much more, to make a relationship worth it.
12. I thought I was the cause of some of his negative behaviors.
Like I said, I have some of my own hang ups and issues. I could be needy and clingy sometimes. And so, I thought some of his negative behavior was being caused by me -- it was directly my fault. I thought once I fixed my faults, his negative behavior would stop.
How I overcame it.
I'm sure he did noticed when I was being needy or clingy or unfair, and didn't approve of it, which is only right. But I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for how he responds to a negative situation. It is NOT my fault if he couldn't speak up about things that were bothering him or were inappropriate. Even if I had managed to change while still in the relationship, it wouldn't change the fact that he does not know how to deal properly with things that bother him and/or with situations that could result in conflict. He would deal with all issues in life and in the relationship in the same jerky way he dealt with my negative aspects.
I hope this was useful to you, and I hope that you, too, can find the courage to get out of the wrong relationship. I know it's hard, oh gosh, trust me, I know. But again, it is possible. It can be done. It's not easy, it's not fast, but it is the right thing when the relationship is less than you deserve.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Why Couldn't I Break Up With Him?
Now that I'm finally out of the relationship, the new, stronger part of me wonders why I stayed in it so long, or even why I got into it in the first place. The old, wimpy part of me knows exactly why. :P I think it's important for me to recognize fully why I put up with less than I deserved so I can avoid falling into the same trap of erroneous thinking again.
If you're in a relationship that's not all it could be but you don't feel like you can leave, maybe you can relate to some of this and it will help you to find a solution and be able to let go. I'm not trying to make an all-inclusive, cover-everyone list here, I'm only addressing the things I myself have experienced. What you're experiencing may be different. Even if you can't relate to any of this, maybe it will help you start thinking about YOUR reasons for not being able to leave the relationship so that you can break free.
So now, without further ado, here are the reasons why I couldn't break up with him and how I overcame them.
1. I thought I needed someone to share things with.
I felt like if I didn't have him to talk to and share things with, it wasn't worth doing them. I felt like I couldn't even read a book or watch a movie without being about to tell him about it.
How I overcame it.
I realized I need to live FOR MYSELF. That sounds selfish; I don't mean it like that. Of course, as a mature person, one needs to think of the needs of others and practice kindness. But when it comes to your interests, your tastes, your goals, your beliefs, etc, you need to be that way FOR YOURSELF. You CAN find enjoyment and satisfaction in something simply because YOU enjoy it, NOT because you share it with someone else. Being able to share with others is a wonderful experience, of course, but NOT necessary for enjoyment. I have to admit, I'm still struggling this. It's hard for me to not have someone to share the things I feel deeply about and I'm tempted to put off doing a lot of things until I have someone to share them with. I'm working towards being able to fully enjoy life FOR MYSELF. Realizing that I did not HAVE to have a guy to make things enjoyable or worth doing, though, was what gave me the courage in this area. Just be aware that you don't switch immediately from the former to the latter. It's a process that takes time. It's scary. But if I can do it, so can you!
2. I'm a "glass is half full" kind of person.
I'm usually not one to have a negative, depressed attitude. I look for the good in life. And there's nothing wrong with that, to a point. But in relationships it can be a dangerous mindset if left unchecked. It caused me to not see who he WAS but who he COULD BE -- provided he himself were to actually see the need to and start doing the work to live to his full potential. It caused me to focus in on his good aspects only: his sense of humor, our shared interests, his cuteness, his opposition to debt, etc. I thought "it could be worse" rather than "it could be better."
How I overcame it.
I finally accepted that while it was true that it could be worse (I could have been with a drug addict with no job who put me down, for example), it could actually be a whole lot better. I could actually be with someone who consistently answered me when I called, who gave up time with friends to spend time with me, who actually called when I expected it, who pursued me, who was wise and insightful, who knew where he wanted to be in life and was actively working towards his goals, whose actions lined up with his words, who was actively improving his mind, who cared about his job, etc. Yes it's true, people can improve themselves; the optimist in me wants to hold on to that. But the reality is that a person has to first realize they have a problem before they can change. And right now, he has no idea what his problems are (although to me, it's fairly obvious, but that's a whole 'nother story :P) and he has no desire to try to figure it out and change. I had to accept that it was not worth it or realistic to waste my time and my life on a hope for him to start wanting to change.
3. I gave so much of myself to him.
I gave so much of my thoughts, my feelings, my time, and my body to him, all of which I wanted to save for the special guy who I would spend the rest of my life with. I was afraid to leave, because I felt like I had nothing special left to give to another man.
How I overcame it.
I realized that I'm not yet all I will be. I still have a lot of developing to do as a person. I'm going to go on from this relationship and get stronger, find myself, and add so much to my essence as a person. The person I develop into will have so many new things that my ex never experienced. Those parts of myself will be special to the guy I marry and spend the rest of my life with. As for sharing my body with my ex, thankfully we never had full penetration sex (sorry if that's TMI). We fooled around too much and saw and touched way too much of each other, but at least I never went "all the way" with him and have that experience saved for my husband. Note: Personally, I believe in saving sex for marriage. I'm not trying to push that view on anyone who reads this blog, but it is my view, and this is a blog about my experiences, so I will be dealing with sex as something for marriage only. I respect that you have to decide for yourself what you believe about sex and abstinence, and will not be offended if you think differently than me. Hopefully that goes vice versa and you can still get something from the rest of my blog even if we believe differently about sex. Even if we had gone "all the way" that would still not have been a good enough reason to stay in a mediocre relationship. You can't ever get back lost virginity, but you can go on to heal in time and eventually have another sexual relationship with the right person.
4. I had mistaken ideas about how you find the one you will marry.
I thought you "just knew" when you find the one you will marry, or as a friend put it, "when you find that special person, you soul recognizes them." When we first started to date, I immediately thought "This is the one! I somehow just KNOW!" and I ran with that, completely. I was convinced that because I had that feeling of "just knowing" at the start of the relationship, then he truly was the one, thus I could never find anyone better. It made me desperate to not see red flags and to rationalize any negative behaviors.
How I overcame it.
I learned that love at first sight or "just knowing" is a myth. A thing of Hollywood, pop songs, and romance novels. It is simply not reality. You know when you've found the guy who is going to hold your heart forever AFTER you have taken the time to SEE who he really is and have found him to be, in ACTUAL COLD, HARD FACT, what you need and want in a man. Any type of feeling you get initially is not love or some sort of mystical knowledge of that person's soul. It's just infatuation, interest, excitement, or lust. Once I learned that, I was able to let go. I knew that he was not "the one" because of who I had seen him, IN REALITY, to be. My initial reaction to him did NOT indicate his being "the one".
5. I was using him to try and fix my problems.
I have hang ups of my own. I have some issues with my parents. My parents were never horrible parents, but they weren't the best at showing affection, especially my dad. Also, I felt abandoned by my dad as young child when his job started taking over his life. I used my ex to try to fill the void left by my dad and thought being with him was healing me.
How I overcame it.
I realized he was NOT healing me, he was DISTRACTING me from my problems, and I was just hurting myself (and probably him as well) in the process, and making my already complex life ever more complicated. The only way to overcome your issues is to deal with them outside of a relationship and get counseling if you need it (which is something I plan on doing).
6. I was afraid to leave.
Breaking up sucks. No matter what, it is a very painful time. It's filled with grief and regrets. And that's scary. You get into a relationship together, you get out of it alone. It's so terribly confusing and you're left ALONE to sort through something that happening WITH someone.
How I overcame it.
Really, I just had to suck it up and do it. I had to keep in mind everything else I've written about in this post and more. I had to keep in mind it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do. And just do it. It has been hard, but not impossible. And I know in the end, what I gain will be worth the pain.
Read Part 2.
If you're in a relationship that's not all it could be but you don't feel like you can leave, maybe you can relate to some of this and it will help you to find a solution and be able to let go. I'm not trying to make an all-inclusive, cover-everyone list here, I'm only addressing the things I myself have experienced. What you're experiencing may be different. Even if you can't relate to any of this, maybe it will help you start thinking about YOUR reasons for not being able to leave the relationship so that you can break free.
So now, without further ado, here are the reasons why I couldn't break up with him and how I overcame them.
1. I thought I needed someone to share things with.
I felt like if I didn't have him to talk to and share things with, it wasn't worth doing them. I felt like I couldn't even read a book or watch a movie without being about to tell him about it.
How I overcame it.
I realized I need to live FOR MYSELF. That sounds selfish; I don't mean it like that. Of course, as a mature person, one needs to think of the needs of others and practice kindness. But when it comes to your interests, your tastes, your goals, your beliefs, etc, you need to be that way FOR YOURSELF. You CAN find enjoyment and satisfaction in something simply because YOU enjoy it, NOT because you share it with someone else. Being able to share with others is a wonderful experience, of course, but NOT necessary for enjoyment. I have to admit, I'm still struggling this. It's hard for me to not have someone to share the things I feel deeply about and I'm tempted to put off doing a lot of things until I have someone to share them with. I'm working towards being able to fully enjoy life FOR MYSELF. Realizing that I did not HAVE to have a guy to make things enjoyable or worth doing, though, was what gave me the courage in this area. Just be aware that you don't switch immediately from the former to the latter. It's a process that takes time. It's scary. But if I can do it, so can you!
2. I'm a "glass is half full" kind of person.
I'm usually not one to have a negative, depressed attitude. I look for the good in life. And there's nothing wrong with that, to a point. But in relationships it can be a dangerous mindset if left unchecked. It caused me to not see who he WAS but who he COULD BE -- provided he himself were to actually see the need to and start doing the work to live to his full potential. It caused me to focus in on his good aspects only: his sense of humor, our shared interests, his cuteness, his opposition to debt, etc. I thought "it could be worse" rather than "it could be better."
How I overcame it.
I finally accepted that while it was true that it could be worse (I could have been with a drug addict with no job who put me down, for example), it could actually be a whole lot better. I could actually be with someone who consistently answered me when I called, who gave up time with friends to spend time with me, who actually called when I expected it, who pursued me, who was wise and insightful, who knew where he wanted to be in life and was actively working towards his goals, whose actions lined up with his words, who was actively improving his mind, who cared about his job, etc. Yes it's true, people can improve themselves; the optimist in me wants to hold on to that. But the reality is that a person has to first realize they have a problem before they can change. And right now, he has no idea what his problems are (although to me, it's fairly obvious, but that's a whole 'nother story :P) and he has no desire to try to figure it out and change. I had to accept that it was not worth it or realistic to waste my time and my life on a hope for him to start wanting to change.
3. I gave so much of myself to him.
I gave so much of my thoughts, my feelings, my time, and my body to him, all of which I wanted to save for the special guy who I would spend the rest of my life with. I was afraid to leave, because I felt like I had nothing special left to give to another man.
How I overcame it.
I realized that I'm not yet all I will be. I still have a lot of developing to do as a person. I'm going to go on from this relationship and get stronger, find myself, and add so much to my essence as a person. The person I develop into will have so many new things that my ex never experienced. Those parts of myself will be special to the guy I marry and spend the rest of my life with. As for sharing my body with my ex, thankfully we never had full penetration sex (sorry if that's TMI). We fooled around too much and saw and touched way too much of each other, but at least I never went "all the way" with him and have that experience saved for my husband. Note: Personally, I believe in saving sex for marriage. I'm not trying to push that view on anyone who reads this blog, but it is my view, and this is a blog about my experiences, so I will be dealing with sex as something for marriage only. I respect that you have to decide for yourself what you believe about sex and abstinence, and will not be offended if you think differently than me. Hopefully that goes vice versa and you can still get something from the rest of my blog even if we believe differently about sex. Even if we had gone "all the way" that would still not have been a good enough reason to stay in a mediocre relationship. You can't ever get back lost virginity, but you can go on to heal in time and eventually have another sexual relationship with the right person.
4. I had mistaken ideas about how you find the one you will marry.
I thought you "just knew" when you find the one you will marry, or as a friend put it, "when you find that special person, you soul recognizes them." When we first started to date, I immediately thought "This is the one! I somehow just KNOW!" and I ran with that, completely. I was convinced that because I had that feeling of "just knowing" at the start of the relationship, then he truly was the one, thus I could never find anyone better. It made me desperate to not see red flags and to rationalize any negative behaviors.
How I overcame it.
I learned that love at first sight or "just knowing" is a myth. A thing of Hollywood, pop songs, and romance novels. It is simply not reality. You know when you've found the guy who is going to hold your heart forever AFTER you have taken the time to SEE who he really is and have found him to be, in ACTUAL COLD, HARD FACT, what you need and want in a man. Any type of feeling you get initially is not love or some sort of mystical knowledge of that person's soul. It's just infatuation, interest, excitement, or lust. Once I learned that, I was able to let go. I knew that he was not "the one" because of who I had seen him, IN REALITY, to be. My initial reaction to him did NOT indicate his being "the one".
5. I was using him to try and fix my problems.
I have hang ups of my own. I have some issues with my parents. My parents were never horrible parents, but they weren't the best at showing affection, especially my dad. Also, I felt abandoned by my dad as young child when his job started taking over his life. I used my ex to try to fill the void left by my dad and thought being with him was healing me.
How I overcame it.
I realized he was NOT healing me, he was DISTRACTING me from my problems, and I was just hurting myself (and probably him as well) in the process, and making my already complex life ever more complicated. The only way to overcome your issues is to deal with them outside of a relationship and get counseling if you need it (which is something I plan on doing).
6. I was afraid to leave.
Breaking up sucks. No matter what, it is a very painful time. It's filled with grief and regrets. And that's scary. You get into a relationship together, you get out of it alone. It's so terribly confusing and you're left ALONE to sort through something that happening WITH someone.
How I overcame it.
Really, I just had to suck it up and do it. I had to keep in mind everything else I've written about in this post and more. I had to keep in mind it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do. And just do it. It has been hard, but not impossible. And I know in the end, what I gain will be worth the pain.
Read Part 2.
An Introduction
Note: This post is also on the "About The Blog" page for easy future reference.
So why am I blogging? Because as much as I know that getting out of the relationship is the right thing to do, as much as I know that it is vital I discover who I am and find security BEFORE I get into a relationship, it still hurts like heck to loose him. We were friends for four years before we dated. He was fun to be around. He wasn't a horrible person. He was an immature person. There were some good things about him and some good things in the relationship. The trouble was, over the time we were dating, I started to glean a smidgen of insight into myself (something that I'm now working hard to develop fully) but HE never did. He's still just as clueless about himself and life as when we started out. Honestly, it makes me feel kind of sorry to see someone be that much of an idiot... All in all, the bad outweighs the good. And so, in order to keep myself from going crazy and to keep myself on track (*cough* this is actually the third time I've broken up with him...) I need an outlet for the multitude of thoughts constantly swirling around in my brain. I have FINALLY realized that he wasn't serious about me, he was just using me to distract himself from the inner turmoil he's so clueless about it. I have realized I do NOT deserve to be in a relationship that was holding me back. I do NOT deserve to be strung along with promises about a future together with NO RING. I do NOT deserve to be on the bottom of my boyfriend's list of priorities. I do NOT deserve to be a crutch to help a guy get over his porn addiction (another way he hides from his feelings). I do NOT deserve to be ignored. I do NOT deserve to -- well, you get the picture. And I need to write to remind myself of that -- it's easy to fall back into the old way of thinking and start feeling like I want to go back, there's no other guy I could like so much or feel that close to or blah, blah, blah. This time I am DETERMINED to move forward.
Also, if writing about my discoveries can help someone else gain some insight to their own situation, cool, added bonus. I wish every girl/woman could realize this stuff BEFORE she gets into the wrong relationship instead of when she's picking up the pieces after one (or multiples). If just one person reads this and learns something, and it saves a heart from being broken (or re-broken), I'd be really glad.
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