Anyway, the title of this post is a description of how I feel right now. When I was with this guy, I thought everything was perfect.
Ok, not quite true. The first two times we were together, were less than peaceful. Particularly the second time. We never had raging fights. He was never mean to me outright. But he pulled a lot of disappearing acts. This was a long distance relationship, so our main way to communicate was texting/phone calls. He would frequently not answer my texts (or take way too long to reply to a simple text), go a day or two without contact with no explanation, take a long time to sulk after a disagreement before he would talk to me, etc. At the end, I hadn't heard from him for four days or something, I don't really remember the details. I had to break up with him by TEXT because he wouldn't answer my calls. So that period was extremely frustrating/agonizing/stressful.
But the last six months we were together, things seemed to be great. He was much more attentive and sweet. He seemed to be there for me when I needed him. He never just sat on the computer and was completely distant when we talked on the phone, he engaged in conversation. He never went days without texting/calling. He said we were going to get married in about three years after he finished school. I thought I was so happy and that my life was perfect. And we were finally able to start hanging out together in person on a regular basis. We had a lot of fun when we were together. I even got to go spend two weeks with him in May, which was so wonderful after spending so much time apart.
And then, after I got back home, I basically heard nothing from him for a week. A FRIGGIN week. After we had just spent two weeks together. That's when my eyes finally started to open a little. He finally started talking to me a week later, but only because I insisted. I tried to keep up the relationship for another week, but it was so painful. The guy who was enamored to me was GONE and it was like I was just talking to an old friend, not my lover. It was like something between us had died. Out of the blue. But
So now, as I'm left feeling shattered, my eyes have started to open even more. I've realized that the time we were together, even the last six months, we not that great. It's actually been rather shocking to see how much of myself I lost to him, how this guy who I thought loved me and was the best thing to ever to happen to me was actually a parasite sucking my personality, confidence, and saneness out of me -- and I didn't even realize that was happening to me at the time. It's hurtful to realize that probably the only reason he was so "loving" during the last six months was because prior to that I went six weeks NC (No Contact) with him after he was a major jerk to me. That probably scared him and he realized I had toughened up and wasn't going to take (as much... *cough*) s**t off of him anymore. He was just being more careful this time to make sure I didn't freak out, which would result in him losing his security blanket. I'm pretty sure that was all I was to him. A distraction (for those moments when there weren't other, more local, distractions) from the grief, pain, guilt, anger, and childhood turmoils he refused to face.
It's so... I don't even know if I have a word to describe the feeling of realizing everything you believed in was false. Disappointing? Horrifying? Maddening? Shocking? Dismaying? Enraging? Sickening? I've felt all of those things. And if you've ever been in the situation where you got out of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man (many thanks go to Baggage Reclaim for explaining this type of "man" to me and enlightening/empowering me so much) you are probably all too familiar with this feeling. It's so ... [insert word I don't have here] to realize that you could actually perceive a nightmare for something good, pleasant, and desirable. I think it happened largely because of a.) my own naivety, and b.) my issues that caused me to have my own hidden agenda in the relationship -- something I am not at all proud of and am getting into therapy as quickly as I can for.
The trouble is, my mind has woken up and recognizes the euphoria as a nightmare but I don't think my heart fully has. My heart still misses him. HIM. This slug of a guy. My heart still sees everything the same way it saw it while we were dating; my heart sees the illusions I built off of assumptions and the "good" parts of the relationship. My heart is still dwelling in a castle in the sky while my mind is properly horrified. My heart is grieving the loss of him while my mind is actually kind of creeped out by him. My mind doesn't even think I have a reason to be sad; I should be rejoicing that I escaped from this dude and never had anything super horrible (pregnancy/engagement/marriage/beating) happen to me. But my heart is grieving. Hard.
After reading about different people's experiences with similar guys, I honestly don't think he's a narcissist, a sociopath, has a personality disorder or anything super creepy like that. He doesn't fit those bills. But he definitely has some issues. I think he's insecure, has been hurt by his mother and his absentee father but is in denial about it, has his thinking somewhat controlled by his grandmother, isn't very mature emotionally or psychologically, and has some guilt, grief and pain he is terrified of facing. I think he runs to relationships for a distraction from himself. The trouble is, when pain is suppressed, it's followed by depression and a loss of all emotion. If you don't let yourself experience pain, you stop yourself from experiencing positive emotion as well. So I think he has to try very hard to keep from getting too close to someone in a relationship. If a relationship starts making him feel too much, he has to shut himself off from it by disappearing or breaking it off. If he starts to feel too much positive, he'll have to face the negative as well, and he can't handle that. The relationship that he used as a distraction becomes just another scary, overwhelming thing he needs to distract himself from.
My friend (same one from my last past who talked with me about counseling) says I need to stop letting him have power over me. I think she's right. I need to accept that I am never gonna be able to figure this guy out totally. Like I said, I have my theory about him. But still, I'm just keeping the wound open the more I try to figure out the reason for every little thing he did in the relationship. I don't need to go over the relationship with a fine-toothed comb looking for every little thing that was "off." I don't need to know what he's doing right now or what new girls he's distracting himself from life with. All of that just keeps him in power over me and stops me from moving on with my life. I need to just accept that it was a bad relationship and let go. It's so much easier said than done, though. Like I said, my heart still isn't getting it. *sigh* So that's where I am right now. :/
